Someone clearly hates me: Daytime TV advertising Part II

Since my maternity leave is officially over, I thought I’d reprise my role of the Roger Ebert of As Seen On TV (and other similar) products. Today, I’ve chosen a selection of 11 items, all of which I’m sure have been on Price is Right in some way, shape or form at some time in history.
1. Cash for Gold
I need to make sure I understand what’s going on with this. All I have to do is gather all that gold I have laying around and send it to some dudes…and they’ll send me money?!? Scout’s honor? Surely there is more to this than that. Then again, if you are stupid enough to put all of your gold in an envelope and rely on the mail to get it to these grifters and then them to send back a fat check, perhaps you deserve the simplicity of this ripoff.
Oh, and the URL has a 4 in it. Stay classy, Cash 4 Gold.
2. Roll ‘n Grow
If only this product were Grow n’ Roll – much more interesting, don’t you think?
3. Weed Claw
I saw the name of this product and thought it was something much different than what it is. Being an avid gardener and having pulled millions of weeds in my time, I don’t know why a Claw is necessary when I have a naturally-occurring (aka “free”) claw on the end of each of my arms.
4. Push Up Pro
Is the push up really that complicated that you need a “professional” (at least that’s what I think Pro is short for) product to help you? It’s pretty much up, down, up, down. Okay, I guess there is some variation on the direction of your hands, the speed at which you move up and down, etc. But, if most 7th grade gym class students can figure this one out, I’m guessing Push Up Pro is superfluous.

5. Blo ‘n Go
Honestly? This thing is called the Blo ‘n Go? Brief overview – it holds the blow dryer so you can have two hands free for styling.
Surely someone at the agency could have come up with a better name. Here are a few: Style Sidekick, Coif Companion, even Hairdo Helper is better than Blo ‘n Go. Creative team – you can have any of those three names at no charge.
6. Tater Mitts
LOL! The image I am getting is hysterical, yet inappropriate for this blog.
The instructions read “Simply rub with a few quick strokes for a hassle free peeled potato.” If peeling potatoes is the most sizable hassle you encounter in your life, I’d like to trade with you for a day. The website says it takes 8 seconds to peel the potato. I guess I could use that 7 extra seconds the gloves will reward me. Oh wait, I lost them in trying to find the gloves in the kitchen drawers. And, the peeler was 99¢ at Target (link to https://www.target.com). The gloves are $20.
7. Kinoki Foot Pads
I think this one takes the BS Cake and eats the whole thing…without utensils. These are nothing more than a Swiffer Wet Jet refill pad repackaged and marketed as a foot detox agent. The black stuff on the bottom of the pad after you pull it off is the dirt that was on the floor in your house, moron. The only thing that’s going through detox is your wallet if you buy this crap.
8. FLOAM
Every kid loves FLOAM. You’re asking yourself, “What is FLOAM?”
The website elaborates:
FLOAM sticks to almost anything!
FLOAM is fun to wear!
Take FLOAM outside!
I challenge you to think of just one other product that meets all three of those conditions simultaneously. Comment on the blog if you can think of one!
And, what two words does FLOAM combine?
Floor and Foam? Obvious – come on, Media Darling.
Flame-retardant and Foam? Hope so!
Fleas and Foam? YUCK!
Or maybe it’s an acronym…For Losers Or Addled Men
9. Listen Up Sound Amplifier
On infomercialscams.com, there are 41 complaints about this product. Diana says, “The only thing this little piece of crap amplified was my husband’s snoring.” Kurt writes, ” This product is terribil [sic] it sounds like you are in a metal can and being shaken around.” Arun recounts, “When I placed it on the chair I could hear my wife in the kitchen, more then [sic] the TV.”
Sorry, Diana, Kurt and Arun, but did you see the same commercial I did? Duh.
10. Urine Gone
Most of us just flush.
11. Wraparound Sunglasses
The only thing I can say is that you won’t see this at Olympus Fashion Week.