How not to get hired by The Bouv

So recently I’ve been looking for another brainiac for The Geek Suite.  Usually when I put the search out, I get a metric crap ton of Graphics Designers posing as “web developers” trying to get their foot in the door here at CurrentMarketing.
So many in fact that on my last few job postings on various boards I’ve had to explicitly say “If you consider yourself a Graphics Artist, don’t even bother contacting me”.
However, inevitably, I get blasted by all of these resumes from graphics artists anyway, though a few legitimately do appear to have some web aptitude.  I’m willing to train people and let them learn, but I’m going to post a few points of interest below on what NOT to do:
Do not send me an email without punctuation or capitalization.  I’m a geek and have been for a long time.  I know net speak is rad and gnarly.  Sending me “hey man i want to work for you i like to program and i do 2d art 2” is neither.  Programming is all about punctuation dammit!  I might have paid more attention if you threw in random $’s, ;’s and +’s.
Do not write me an email to say “Hey I saw your request not to be contacted by graphics artists, but let me show you my art portfolio”.  I don’t care if you can draw a bowl of fruit or design a logo.  Reading comprehension for the win my friend; FOR THE WIN.
Do not say you’re a web developer, but then leave your resume’s objective as “Graphics Artist looking to establish himself at an ad agency.”  Why should I pay attention to you, if you can’t pay enough attention to lie on your resume about being a “web developer?”
Do not tell me you can use Microsoft Word and Excel.  So can your mom.  Maybe I can hire her.
Do not tell me you are “proficient at FTP.”  What does that even mean?  I will say thanks to the last person who actually told me that.  My department got a giggle out of it.  You know who you are.
Do not even bother contacting me unless you’re willing to take a test.  Don’t say you’re interested and then bail when I need to ask you a couple questions.  They’re not even hard!  Chicken.
That about sums up this last batch of candidates.  I’m still sifting through some (we’re hella busy here at CurrentMarketing).  At least some people have done it the correct (or at least semi-correct) way.
If you’re reading this and you know some fresh face who knows HTML, CSS and JavaScript and perhaps wants to learn more and work at a great place, get them to contact me.  Tell them I’m The Bouv and to use the Googles to find me.